i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
