I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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