my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
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