I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
