I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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