Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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