I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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