look no pants
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
