I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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