drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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