Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Sober January is a disaster.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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