Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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