sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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