i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
