I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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