dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
