thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
