dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
