I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
