When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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