Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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