you lied. pity sex is amazing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
