I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
