id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize