i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
