I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
