alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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