watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
