we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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