I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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