omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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