It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
