You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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