There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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