well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
