Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
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