it hurts more in the daytime
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
