john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
