i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
