Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
