I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize