If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
