he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Randomize
