There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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