it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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