if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
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