I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
