I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize