Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize