Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
