I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
