the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
