the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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