The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
