I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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