have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize