I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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