WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
