we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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