Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
