i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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