He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
