You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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